


could we try to reinvent

by growlery writes (growlery)



Category: Men's Hockey RPF
Genre: M/M, Not Hockey Players (Hockey RPF), Self-Esteem Issues, Working On Yourself and Valuing Yourself As A Person, notficcy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-17
Updated: 2019-10-17
Packaged: 2020-12-21 08:53:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,861
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21072224
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/growlery/pseuds/growlery%20writes
Summary: tyler's done with fucking around.





	could we try to reinvent

**Author's Note:**

> so a while ago i saw [this prompt at the sin bin](https://thesinbin.dreamwidth.org/3790.html?thread=4733902#cmt4733902): 
> 
> _tyler is into getting pushed around, told what to do, but he also needs a lot of reassurance he's doing good and that he's a cool person and a good friend and, like, maybe could be worth actually dating and not just hooking up with. it's been a lot easier to find guys into the telling-him-what-to-do parts than to find someone into all of that._
> 
> _cue jamie benn._
> 
> this is....... kind of that. title from hearts like ours by the naked and famous

so tyler's been hooking up with this guy for a while, right. he's a lot of fun, and the sex is fucking great, and tyler thinks _maybe, _so tyler asks him out on, like, kind of a date, but chill so he doesn't scare him off. 

"uh," the guy says, "sure," and then ghosts him. 

tyler wishes he weren't surprised, that he was used to it by now, that he didn't hope for shit, but he can't help himself. he's a needy little bitch and he knows that about himself and he has to go and want things he can't have. 

"_shit_, man," brownie says, "you have got to stop sleeping with assholes."

"pretty sure they're not the problem. common denominator, right?"

"how dare you talk shit about my best friend," brownie says, and cuddles him aggressively. 

tyler sighs. "why do you have to be straight, it's real fucking hateful," he says, and he still feels shitty but it's easier, with brownie there, to believe he's not completely worthless. which, like. maybe his whole sense of self-worth shouldn’t be defined by how fuckable he is. or, whatever. how boyfriendable he is. tyler knows shit about self help, okay. he’s gotta Work On Himself, and Value Himself For Who He Is As A Person. he's officially done with fucking around. 

"I am officially done with fucking around," tyler says. 

"heard that one before," brownie drawls, and tyler throws a pillow at him. 

"for real, this time," he says, "and don't fucking say you've heard that one before too. I fucking know, okay?" 

brownie knocks their shoulders together. "okay," he says, and that's that. 

*

biz is throwing a party. biz and tyler aren’t super close; biz is mostly straight but in a very bro-y way, in the sense that he has hit on tyler multiple times without having any awareness that that is what he has done, but he's decent enough and throws good parties, and tyler might not be fucking around any more but he still likes a good party. 

so he goes. he has a pretty nice time, talks shit with tyson barrie, who's there with this really sweet, soft-voiced, kinda shy dude called jamie. tyler’s so, so tempted to call off his whole chastity thing, especially when tyson wanders off and jamie and tyler keep talking, and it turns out jamie is funny and easy to talk to. tyler extremely wants to get on his knees for him, and he made up this rule in the first place, and one more can't hurt, right? once more, and it's not gonna go anywhere, and tyler isn't gonna get his hopes up about something that isn't going to happen. 

so tyler leans in and does his whole thing and jamie gets so red and stammery and tyler refuses to feel a single emotion about it, just takes jamie upstairs to one of biz's million spare rooms and blows him. jamie is tentative at first but with tyler's encouragement ends up fucking his throat, and he's clearly trying to keep quiet so people don't hear them but he's also murmuring about how good tyler's doing and, shit, tyler's so into him, especially when, seconds after jamie comes, he sinks to his knees and kisses tyler messily while jerking him off, then brings his hand to tyler's mouth and tells tyler in his soft voice to clean him up, and watches tyler with dark eyes while he licks him clean. 

tyler, come-dumb and floating a little, asks jamie if he wants to get out of there, and jamie, wide-eyed, agrees. 

so they get an uber to tyler's, and tyler had big plans, but jamie spent the ride over with his hand in tyler's hair, almost petting him, and tyler just wants to cuddle. well, what he actually wants is for jamie to lie on top of him and cover him with his big warm body but even tyler knows that's kind of a weird thing to drop on someone, especially someone you've just met. 

so he's going to be like, “hey, wanna fuck me,” but when he gets jamie in bed jamie kisses and kisses him, slow and not urgent at all, and tyler ends up falling asleep. 

tyler wakes up the next day and is just mortified that he fell asleep on a guy before the guy could even fuck him. it can't have been too bad because the guy is still here, wrapped all around him, holding him close and warm, and tyler wants to stay right here forever. he's so fucking mad at himself. he was supposed to be past this. 

so he gets up and goes to shower and when he comes back, towel around his waist, the bed is empty. tyler breathes out slow and tells himself he shouldn't have expected anything goddamn else. but then he goes downstairs and jamie's eating breakfast with brownie, and tyler blinks at them. brownie makes eyebrows at him, and jamie's a little red and sneaking glances at tyler's chest, and tyler has no idea what's happening, but he can roll with it. jamie probably stuck around so he could get some, since tyler was such a failure last night. 

“hey,” jamie says, in his soft lovely voice, “can i borrow a towel?” 

and, like, as soon as he’s gone brownie looks like he wants to say something, and tyler says, “i fucking know, okay,” and brownie says, “i’m saying nothing,” and tyler says, “yeah, but your face is judging me,” and brownie rolls his eyes. 

so tyler goes back upstairs and lies down naked on his bed, waiting for jamie. jamie looks extremely good when he gets out the shower, wet all over, and he blushes when he sees tyler, but he starts getting dressed, which, what? 

“i’ve gotta get to work,” he says, which, right, sure. 

“right, sure,” tyler says, and jamie sort of hesitates pulling yesterday’s shirt over his head. 

“can i,” he starts, then smiles all bashful and tries again. “could i get your number, maybe?”

_no, no, definitely not_, goes tyler’s brain. 

“yeah, yeah, for sure,” goes tyler’s traitorous mouth. jamie’s smile takes over his whole face, and tyler’s heart sinks because he is definitely, _definitely _not past this. he walks jamie to the door like the fool he fucking is, and there’s one awkward second where jamie kind of hovers there, and tyler starts to frown, confused, and then jamie ducks forward and presses a chaste kiss to tyler’s mouth. tyler feels frozen, staring after him as he leaves. 

“he seems nice,” brownie says, with no inflection at all, and tyler unfreezes, his bones heavy and tired. 

“say what you wanna say,” tyler says, and when he turns around brownie’s looking at him with that sad face that tyler hates, because it means he’s feeling sorry for tyler. 

“you deserve nice things,” brownie says, and tyler says, “yeah, yeah,” but he’s not convincing either of them. 

“whatever,” tyler says. “he’s probably not even gonna text me, anyway.’’

*

jamie texts him. jamie texts him a _lot_, and tyler texts him right back, and he's kinda surprised they've not run out of shit to talk about, but jamie's funny in a goofy kinda sarcastic way that tyler just really _likes_, and their text thread just keeps growing and growing. 

"what's jamie saying now," brownie says when tyler's phone vibrates and he checks his messages. 

"you don't know it's jamie," tyler says, because he's got his phone angled away from brownie for a reason, okay. 

brownie smirks at him. "your jamie face says otherwise," he says, and tyler swipes half-heartedly at him. "when are you seeing him again?" 

"never," tyler says, not looking up from typing out his response. that's the deal he has with himself. he can keep talking to jamie as long as he stays just talking, as long as they never go out, as long as he never fucks him again. “i’m done with fucking around, remember?”

“you hooked up with radulov like, last week, dude.”

“we did not _hook up_,” tyler says, rolling his eyes. “there was some very tasteful making out and i might have touched his dick like, a little, but that’s it.” brownie squints at him. tyler sighs. “look, you can’t just cold turkey this shit, bro.”

“okay,” brownie says, extremely tolerantly, which is probably why he’s still tyler’s best friend after all these years. “then what about jamie.”

tyler’s phone vibrates again. he doesn’t look at it. “what about what about jamie.”

brownie squints at him. “i thought you can only proceed on your journey to self love by actually talking about your feelings.”

why does tyler tell him things. “why do i tell you things.”

“because, deep down, you want someone to hold you accountable for your bullshit because you don’t feel like you can do it yourself,” brownie tells him, which, well. he’s not wrong, but. 

“have you been listening to my self-help podcasts.”

“you play them _so loud_, bro,” brownie says. “look. what’s the worst that could happen.”

tyler looks at him. “do you really want me to answer that.”

“yes. spare no horrific detail.”

and tyler’s never said all of it out loud, is the thing. it all lives in his brain somewhere, a toxic cloud that poisons his whole entire life, but clouds are grey and formless, don’t exactly translate easily into words. he takes a second, breathes, takes a minute. brownie waits him out. brownie will probably always wait him out, and tyler doesn’t deserve him but you don’t get to deserve people. one of his podcasts said that. he’s trying to remember it. 

“i like him,” tyler says. “i think i could really fucking like him. and. he might not. like me.” he squeezes his eyes shut. “i know that’s stupid-”

“it’s not,” brownie says. “well, it is, because he definitely likes you, what the fuck, segs, but it’s not stupid. to be scared of that.”

tyler’s so fucking tired. “yeah, yeah,” he says, “my feelings are my feelings and my feelings-”

“-are valid,” brownie joins in, and tyler loves him so fucking much. he tells him so, and brownie climbs into his lap and wraps his arms all around tyler, and tyler buries his head in brownie’s neck and breathes. 

_so hey_, he types out, when he can look at his phone again. _you wanna get dinner?_ he stares at the screen for a second and then adds, _this is me asking you out on a date just to be clear. _

jamie sends back a whole line of smiley face emojis like the dork he is, and then _that was me saying yes just to be clear_, and tyler’s still fucking terrified but he’s smiling, too. 

and then they live happily ever after the end!! just kidding it turns out being in a relationship doesn’t magically make your self-esteem issues go away and you have to?? deal with those?? yourself?? tyler is not a fan. but he does the work, and he gets better at not unconsciously self-sabotaging their relationship, and they carve out a life together and make each other happy. the end. 


End file.
